Matt Rosen Fiction

Los Angeles in 2025

Magnificent, they thought, as passersby arched their necks up to see the new neighborhood installation. The second Snapchat Staples Center was being installed in West Hollywood, just down the street from the PDC (Professional Dudes Coked Out) Building.

It was Sunday in Los Angeles.

City traffic was at a complete standstill due to the Sunday Instagram Pride Parade (otherwise known as SIPP), which celebrated how talented people were at filtering their photos. Usually, these events were held at Malibu Wines or The Bumblelow where the Pri-Fi Picture ratio was unusually high, but today they were held on the main street of Santa Monica, as dozens of WIGI’s (White Girls) wearing flower dresses took to their floats to feel prettier for a day.

In West Hollywood, Mayor Weeknd Hadid met with local officials at his offices at 1OAK to discuss the dwindling water supply of his city. Many had been concerned ever since the LBJ Crash of 2019, in which NBA Star Lebron James (endorsed by Nike and TMZ) had been dropped from a plane above Echo Park and onto a 100-foot vertical water slide. The stunt, which used 40,000 gallons of Fiji Water, was supposed to celebrate the 27th season premiere of The Real Hipster Housewives of Silverlake. However Lebron was rendered unconscious midway down the slide when he knocked himself out with his own selfie stick. Upon landing, he broke both of his ankles.

Back at the Snapchat Staples Center, volunteers could swap faces with the trending celebrities of the moment. If their snap was viewed over 200 times, they were granted access to the Jennifer Lopez Golden Globe Dress Room Nipple Exhibit, where they were able to try on old dresses from the ageless pop singer. After snapping for three to eight hours, winners would then attend Lip Sync Battle Volume 84 hosted by Vanilla Ice and his wife Chrissy Teigen. LL Cool JJ had passed away after season 46. Teigen’s ex-husband John Legend was now married to Beyoncé after she had publicly executed Jay-Z on TV after the Super Bowl following the premiere of her 33rd music video, Iced Tea.

Across town, Senator Yeezus and his wife Kiezus bought out the Magic Castle for the weekend where they sent their pictures and Twitter messages up into the LA sky like bat signals. Thousands surrounded the castle, wearing their very own personal Armani virtual reality sunglasses that guaranteed bedroom/bathroom access to the night’s proceedings. Later that night, Senator Yeezus watched his adoring fans from the castle with his pregnant wife, who would give birth to her eighth child later that evening. He was named MapQuest — Love.

Times had changed. After all the bookstores closed, the streets were taken over by the now-infamous Melrose Girls (The MGs). They had rose to fame by taking pictures in front of the pink Paul Smith wall. They had been inspired by legendary MG Kweens Karlie Kloss and Kendall Jenner, who were also thinking of running for political office after they reached 500 million followers on Instagram.

However the GADDs (Gay Abbey Drinking Dog Walkers) were not pleased with the rise of the MGs and had been attempting to dismantle their organization for some time now. In the Marmont Raid of 202, over 2,000 GADDs had stormed the Chateau, protesting that their city was being taken away from them. In response, the MGs formed a truce with the Pri-Fi WIGI movement and published a #1 New York Times Best Seller, titled The History of YAS! which went on to declare that they in fact, had come up with the term themselves. This set the Gayborhood aflame. Literally. Weeks later The Abbey burned down after the GADDs held a rave hosted by their in-house motivational speaker, DJ Khaled.

In Venice, a small group of spies posing as HFs (Hetero Fuckbois) teamed up with the NSA (National Selfie Association) to try to start a revolution and take the city back. The only problem was that their leaders were 45 miles across town.

In DTLA, Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez were holding their 15th rally to promote Feminism after it had been ruled illegal in 2020 by President Trump. At the event, off to a side stage, happily-married lesbian couple Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence oversaw event catering from the city’s biggest chain restaurant, Red Lobster.

Upon being turned away from the rally, Emily Ratajkowski rallied the top 20 Models of Maxim’s Hot List to run naked through the downtown streets — beginning at the Ace Hotel and finishing at the Eggslut in Grand Central Market. As Swift was serenading her unemployed boyfriend, The Fat Jewish, onstage with her new Rent-inspired single, “Take Me or I’ll Fucking Rip Your Balls Off,” the naked EggSlut-Shaming Maxim Models sprinted around the corner and started screaming in protest, demanding they be taken seriously.

Across town, the NSA rode through the back streets of Inglewood on Buber, a premium rush Bike Uber app that allowed users to sync up an iTunify library to the pedal rhythm of whatever machine you jumped on. As the NSA biked through the night, they were aided by Caitlyn Jenner, leader of the Trans-Pans-Mans pact. Jenner had been hiding out in a rundown Melrose Shopping Mall after The Grove Collapse of 2023. The collapse was due to a failed $85 million action sequence for Ride Along 14: Carpool Time, in which Kevin Hart ran screaming from one end of the mall to the other while being shot at by a hologram Al Pacino.

Many others hadn’t been so lucky either. Rumor had it that Jimmy Kimmel was live-streaming his breakdown from a penthouse atop the W Hotel with a three-pound bag of cocaine. Drake had reportedly moved back to Canada. Justin Bieber was being kept at a rehab facility for meth addicts in Manhattan Beach, while gossip blogger Perez Hilton had been assassinated by a teenage girl at a Twenty One Pilots concerts.

As night approached, an afterglow of fog and mist settled over the tall ­Tinder Capital building located across from L. Ron Hollywood’s Scientology Center. The MGs would soon come out. It was Sunday night after all, and weekdays had ceased to exist a long, long time ago.